


Long Live

by PostSochiFeels



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Family Drama, Parenthood, Sad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-29 14:54:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15075542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PostSochiFeels/pseuds/PostSochiFeels
Summary: He promised her he would, but when the time came, would he be able to do it?





	1. Chapter 1

“Okay boys, it’s time for bed!”

Scott clapped his hands sharply and held out two pairs of dinosaur printed pyjamas, one trimmed in blue, one in red, for his two and a half year-old twins, Andrew and Alexander. The boys continued wrestling on the floor, their father’s command ignored, much to his unspoken frustration. It seemed they never got to bed on time: always one more episode of Paw Patrol, one more toy, one more absolutely necessary stuffed animal for sleep to come. Scott kneeled, watching them play. He knew he indulged them, perhaps a bit too much, but he didn’t know what to do - he just wanted them to be happy. Their laughter rang out through the room, and he shook his head, almost in awe of the fact that they weren’t tired after such a long day of travel and visiting.

_“Where are we going?” One voice chimed from the back seat._

_“Why?” The other joined in._

_“I told you. We’re going to see Grandma and Grampa Moir. And Uncle Danny and Uncle Charlie.”_

_"We don’t know Unca Danny.”_

_“Or Unca Charlie.”_

__

_Scott sighed. “They haven’t seen you since you were babies. They’re my older brothers.”_

_“Are they twins?”_

_“Like us?”_

__

_“No.” Scott twisted the rear view mirror slightly to look at his sons, who didn’t really look much like twins at all. “But Grandma and Auntie Carol are twins.”_

_“When are we gonna get there?”_

_“I have to pee!”_

_“I’m hungry!”_

“C'mon boys! Dad said it's time for bed!” Alma swept in and corralled the boys into her arms and warmly hugged them. “We've had a busy day; your dad and I want to have a nice quiet visit now.”

“You been vizzing.” Alexander pointed out.

“All day.” Andrew said, solemnly.

Alma smiled down at the twins in her arms. Andrew was definitely Scott's doppelganger, from the sleek pitch black hair to the trademark Moir nose. Alexander was the spitting image of his mother – pale, with a mop of dirty blond hair and big solemn eyes that didn’t miss a thing. Alma had to admit she was surprised the boys didn’t shy away from her. They’d gotten so big since she’d last seen them. Scott hadn’t brought the boys home for years, blaming his lack of availability on a busy schedule at the rink. Even now, their presence is only due to a long phone conversation with Joe. Alma had only caught moments of the terse conversation: _“Danny and his family are coming home.” - “Perfect time for the boys to get to know their cousins.” - “Don’t deprive them of the support of family because you are having a tough time dealing with things, Scott.”_ “You’re right.” Alma acknowledged, still hugging the boys. “But now we want to grown up visit and talk about grown up things. I haven’t seen your daddy in so long.”

“That’s right.” Scott chimed in. “We’ve had a big day and I think Uncle Charlie and Quinn are coming over tomorrow to see you! You need your rest so you can play with your cousin and your uncle.”

“We’re not tired,” both protested, in unison. Alma gestured to Scott for one of the pairs of pyjamas, while pushing Andrew over to his father.

“You're never tired!” Scott tackled Andrew and threw him over his shoulder, much to Andrew’s delight. Struggling to feed the pyjama bottoms over wriggling legs, Scott tickled both feet when they poked through, sending the boy into gales of laughter. Tipping the small boy upright, he patted his diapered bottom. “Both of you, never ever tired, but your Daddy sure is!”

“I'm sorry, Daddy.” Andrew kissed him on the lips. “I’ll be good.”

“Me too!” Alexander, dressed in his pyjamas now, looped his arms around Scott's neck and loudly kissed his cheek. At that, the boys took off, yelling and giggling, dashing out of the living room.

Scott sighed and looked up at his mother. “Was I like this when I was their age?”

“You? Yes. All of you had so much energy.” Alma replied, with a big grin. “It seemed like you never slept until you were in your teens. And even then…”

“Great, that’s just... great.”

“You know how they say parents always hope their kids have kids just like them, right?” Nodding knowingly, Alma tipped her head to one side. “I don’t hear them anymore.” 

That’s never a good sign.

Father and grandmother split up, ready to head off any more twin shenanigans, Scott heading for the kitchen, Alma veering through the family room.

“Where are you guys? You need to go to bed!” Scott called out as he picked up scattered toys - evidence of their few fleeting moments of freedom. Shutting cupboard doors as he moved through the kitchen, Scott muttered under his breath, “And I need to go to bed, it’s been a long tiring day for me.” Following the trail of toys and listening for any signs of movement, he worked his way through the family room and into the living room.

At first he thought one of the boys had hurt themselves. His mom was standing, frozen, just at the other entrance of the room, and he looked around in alarm, before he realized that both boys were just fine, staring up at something on the wall.

“Daddy? Who’s this?” Alexander stood before the one wall dedicated to family photos and trophies and pointed out a large framed portrait.

Alma reached out for Scott, who stood in a stunned silence.

“Nobody, son, it's bedtime, let’s go.” he finally said, gruffly.

“You are kissing her!” Andrew exclaimed. “Yuck!”

“Bedtime. Now!” Scott snapped.

“Scott...” his mother began.

He shook his head. “It's not the time.”

“They need to know. Honey, you can't keep it from them forever.”

“They're only two!” Scott protested. “They're too young to understand.”

“It's what she wanted, love.” his mother said softly. “You promised her.”

Both boys stared up at their father and grandmother. “We’re smart.” they announced, once more in unison.

Scott cracked the smallest of smiles, the tension slightly broken. “Too smart for your own good sometimes!”

“We wanna know about the pretty lady.” The boys jumped up and down around him. “Please, daddy!”

Scott stared at his mother, his face stricken. “I can't. Not tonight. I just...” Hot tears were pricking at his eyes and Scott willed them away, refusing to cry in front of his boys.

“Boys, let's go up to bed.” Alma suggested, slapping their bums lightly. “Daddy is going to make us some coffee, then he'll be right up to tuck you in.”

Knowing better than to argue with their grandma, and sensing their father was upset with them for some reason, Andrew and Alexander settled for hugs and kisses from their father and toddled up the stairs, followed by Alma, who looked back at her youngest son sadly.

Scott stared blankly at the photo in question, letting the tears run freely now that his sons were out of sight. This was why he had moved away. This was why he hadn’t wanted to come home. His fingertips ghosted over the glass, then traced the image slowly.

_“What’s this?” Alma accepted the large brightly wrapped flat box with a questioning smile. Joe squeezed in beside her and began pulling the ribbons off. “You’re not supposed to give us presents!”_

_“Just unwrap it.” Smiling at each other, they turned and watched as the gift was slowly revealed._

_Pulling the last of the paper off, Joe looked up with tears in his eyes._

_“It’s for the trophy wall.”_

_Alma stood and embraced the couple standing before her. “It’s so beautiful. Where was it taken? I thought we were there for all the photos.”_

_“We snuck this one in later, just for the parents.”_

_“We love it...go get the nails and hammer, Joe!”_

“I remember when you gave that to us.” Alma said softly

“You had to hang it up right then and there, you loved it so much.”

“You can't let her be forgotten.” Alma wrapped her arms around Scott's waist. “She was special.”

“She won't be, not ever.” Scott swiped at his tear streaked face. “I'm just not sure I'm ready to talk about what happened.”

“You might not be, but it's eating at you. You need to let it out.” She rubbed his back in slow circles, a simple movement that had calmed him when he was a little boy. “No parent wants their child to suffer like this.”

“I just don't want...” Scott heaved out a deep sigh and dragged his fingers through his black hair. “The boys are too young.”

“They will find out eventually. You need to be the one to tell them.” Alma insisted.

“I'll...let me sleep on it, Mom, please?” Scott turned and enveloped his mother in a hug. “I'm so sorry the first day of our visit was ruined.”

“Nonsense!” Alma stepped out of the hug and swatted her son’s shoulder. “Nothing is ruined. Get upstairs and tuck those rascals in, then get to bed yourself and get a good sleep. You’ve had a long day.”

....................................................................... 

Hours later, even with exhaustion seeping through every pore of his body, sleep eluded Scott. He watched as the shadows danced across his childhood ceiling, the thoughts flickering through his mind. She was everywhere here - the reminders had driven him away from home for nearly two years. Packing up all their belongings, he had taken the boys to Toronto, secured a part-time coaching job, and found a daycare provider experienced with twins. Even having escaped home, even with the help, there had been plenty of sleepless nights: nights spent screaming into his pillow and tears, nights drinking too much while drowning in remorse, nights just sitting watching his boys breathe as they slept.

With a sigh, Scott swings his legs over the edge of the bed. Padding down the hallway silently in his sock-covered feet, he entered the room his sons were sharing. Their bodies were sprawled across the queen sized bed, Andrew swaddled in the blankets and Alexander covered except for his bare feet peeking out from under the covers. Scott choked back a sob as he gingerly sat on the edge of the bed and rubbed the bare little toes. That’s how she had slept. Always too warm, so inevitably a body part escaped the covers. His love for them overwhelmed him sometimes. If he hadn't known what it felt like to love someone so completely, he'd have a hard time believing the enormity of it. He patted both of them gently as he leaned over to kiss their foreheads.

“Andrew, Alexander. You are my life. I love you both so much. I know I'm not the best dad, but I'm trying really hard. I'd be lost without you. You're my little pieces of her. I love you.”

_“We always have to kiss them goodnight.”_

_“Always?” Scott joked. “What if they’re being little brats?”_

_“Always. They need to know how much we love them.”_

_They gazed down at the two bundles tucked into their bassinet for the first time._

_Scott traced his finger along their tiny cheeks._

_“They’re so small.”_

_“They’re beautiful.” Scott wiped away her tears as he kissed her cheek. “You’re beautiful. I promise; we’ll always kiss them goodnight.”_

Kissing them again, he tucked them in securely and left the room, leaving the door open a sliver so he could hear them if they woke. He leaned against the wall in the hallway and let himself slide down to a sitting position. Staring at the ceiling, he clasped his hands in his lap, digging his fingernails into the backs of his hands.

“This is so hard. I don't know what to do. How can I tell them? What would you do? I need you.” Scott fisted his hands in his hair and yanked, hard, the pain centering, pulling him back into focus. “Goddamnit, Tessa. I need you!”


	2. Two

“Big city life doesn't agree with you, little brother. You look like shit.” Scott's older brother Charlie joked easily.

Scott took a long pull from his bottle, surveying the scene. From their vantage point on twin red and white lawn chairs, the brothers watched Scott’s boys run and tumble across the spacious Moir backyard, with Charlie’s daughter Quinn chasing behind them in a fruitless attempt to make them behave. The boys had decided simultaneously with twin intuition that Quinn was an easy mark, and had her tearing after them from the first minute of meeting.

The sky was cloudless, a brilliant blue canopy, the lightest of breezes making the blades of grass dance lightly. It reminded him of their wedding day, when he had nervously stood under an arch hand-constructed by his brothers and decorated by his cousins - right about where Alexander just took a tumble - and smiled broadly as she walked towards him.

With a shake of his head, he came back to the moment. “I didn't have the best night last night,” Scott admitted with a sigh. “The boys were asking about Tessa.”

“Oh...shit.” Charlie shifted his chair to face his younger brother. “I'm so sorry.”

A shriek of laughter pulled their attention back to the children. Scott let the ghost of a smile drift across his features as Andrew darted out at Quinn from behind a shed, making her jump and scream. Scott swallowed hard as emotion overwhelmed him. It was a day so beautiful he still couldn’t believe she wasn’t here to share it with him and to watch her boys run and play in sheer delight without a care in the world.

Scott continued, glancing at Charlie. “They saw her picture last night. I was hoping they would forget, but the first thing they said when they woke up was, 'Tell about the lady, daddy.'”

“The lady?”

“They saw that big portrait Mom and Dad have up in the living room, you know, the one we had...the one from...our…”

“I know the one.” Charlie murmured, saving his brother from having to speak the words. “The boys didn’t recognize their mother?”

“I haven’t… they don’t know about T.” Scott drained his bottle and let it drop to the grass with a soft thud. “Mom wants me to tell them.”

“Maybe you should.” Charlie considered. “Why haven’t you told them?”

“They're too young.”

“Too young to know about their mother?” Charlie scoffed. “No kid is too young for that.”

“How about you let me decide what’s best for my kids?” Scott grabbed another beer, angrily twisting the cap off and throwing it at the house.

“Okay! But you really do look like hell.” Charlie told him, honestly. “Did you ever think about what this is doing to you or your mental health?”

Scott glared at him. “I'm sorry. I'll just go back in time and tell my wife to please not die on me, leaving me a single father of twin boys because it will really inconvenience me. That’ll make everything so much better.”

“Scott.” Charlie reached out to put his hand on Scott's shoulder, but Scott jerked away from the touch. “That's not what I meant.”

“What exactly did you mean?” He spits out the words. “My life hasn't exactly been all sunshine and roses for the past few years. I haven't slept in - I don't know how long. Every time I close my eyes all I see is...is…”

He broke down then, sobbing quietly into his hands. Charlie stood and circled his brother’s shoulders in a comforting embrace. “I’m sorry, Scott.”

Alexander, playing in the sandbox, lifted his head, curiously studying his father and uncle across the lawn. Seeing his father suddenly bend over, shoulders convulsing, he tumbled out of the play area and started running towards them.

“Daddy! What wrong, Daddy?” Alexander reached to place his small hand over Scott's.

“I'm just...” Scott ground his fists into his eyes. “Daddy's fine.” He put on a big smile for his little boy who scrambled onto his lap and he hugged him tightly to his chest. 

“I just love you two so much.” Scott explained. “You make me so happy that sometimes I cry happy tears.”

“Happy?”

“Absolutely so happy.” Scott assured him. “You make me the happiest daddy ever because I have the best buddy boys.” He kissed his cheeks, a loud smack on each one. “Go play a little bit more, okay? We'll go in for lunch soon.”

“Happy?” Alexander questioned him once more, staring at him intently with those haunting green eyes.

“Happy, honest.” Scott kissed Alexander's little fingers. “I love you.”

Satisfied, Alexander ran off to join his brother in the sandbox.

“God!” Scott slumped in the lawn chair and blew out a breath loudly. “That kid kills me.”

“He seems really intuitive.” Charlie mused. “He was halfway across the yard, he couldn’t have heard us.”

“He’s so much like her. You know how she always knew when I was upset, calling me from miles away if there was something bothering me? Alexander is like that too. Sometimes it’s like...it’s like she’s still here. He has her nature. He gets so worried about me sometimes. There are days I can't even...I don't know how I get through.” Scott admitted.

“You get through because of them. They need you.”

Scott shakes his head. “I'm not what they need. I don’t know what I’m doing. They need her.”

“Well, I might be a little biased but I think you’re a great father.” Charlie clinked his bottle against Scott’s “Those kids love you. They seem happy and well adjusted. So. Are you going to tell them?”

“I don’t know what the hell to do.” Scott switched his focus to the bottle of beer he was nursing, picking intently at the label, peeling pieces off and watching them drift on the breeze. “How can they understand what happened when I can't, even after two and a half years?”

“They’re Moirs so they’re smart.” Charlie grinned. “Seriously. If they can tell something is wrong with their father at two years old, Scott, you know that’s not good for them.”

“They’re almost three.”

“Jackass.”

“I was trying to be funny.” Scott shot back. “I’ll think about it.” At the skeptical look on Charlie’s face, he replied. “I promise.”

\-------------------------

Alma twisted in her seat to face her husband as they drove home. “I’m really worried about him, hon. I don’t want to see him go back to that dark place he was in.”

“This has got to be a tough trip for him, but it’s the perfect time with everyone coming home. We’ll all be here for him.” Joe observed. “The boys need to know their family. He needs to move on.” Joe continued to drive in silence, his jaw clenched.

“That’s pretty cold.”

“Alma, I love him, you know I do. But he’s being selfish. Those kids don’t know any of the family, they barely know us. Their other grandparents haven’t even seen them since he moved them away from us. He can’t run away from the memories.” Joe replied, firmly. “The Moirs have always been a close family. He's not ruining that.”

“I know you’re right.” Alma nodded reluctantly. “But I still worry about him.”

“He’s your baby, of course you do.” Joe took her hand and lifted it to his lips. “I love him too, I worry about him. But he’s also a grown man and a father now. He’s got to figure things out himself.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------

Scott’s fingers brushed through the soft hairs on his boys’ heads, leaning down to place feather-light kisses on their foreheads. Neither boy stirred. They had fallen fast asleep after the excitement of meeting their cousin and uncle, their stomachs filled with good food from a picnic lunch on the patio. They’d chased Charlie and Quinn’s car down the street, before Scott had scooped the boys up in his arms, carrying his protesting children upstairs for a nap.

He watched them from the bedroom’s doorway for a moment longer, avoiding the decision he had made during his talk with his older brother. Finally, he turned, closing the door with a sigh and made his way to the family room. After a quick search of the old fashioned chest of drawers that his parents kept their DVDs in, he clutched a disc in his fist. He stood before the DVD player, running his fingers over the title scrawled in black sharpie marker on the front of the disc.

_T & S Pyeongchang 2018_

With a deep breath, steeling himself from what’s to come, Scott inserted the DVD and sat on the edge on the well worn sofa opposite the TV. He grabbed the remote and took several deep breaths. “You can do this, Moir, it's for your boys.”

He pushed the play button and as the images began, the memories slammed into his head like a freight train. How they held each other so tight and said nothing else mattered but them. The way she squeezed his hand just before they left each other for their starting positions. The way those four glorious minutes seemed to fly by, but also how their time on the Olympic ice seemed to last forever. The realization that they had skated probably the best they had ever skated in their lives. How the crowd went wild. The way she cried the happiest of tears, while she laughed with joy. How incredibly gorgeous she looked that day. How they thought their life together was just beginning and little did they know that it was almost near the end.

\---------------------------------------------

At the sight of her son slumped on the sofa, his head in his hands, Alma dropped her bags and rushed into the living room. “Scott, are you okay?” He lifted his head to answer and she could see the pain and grief written clearly on his tear streaked face. She instantly worried that something had happened to the twins. “Where are the boys?” Alma sat beside her son and shook his shoulders. “What happened?”

“Oh mom, sorry, they're...they're fine. Just upstairs napping.” Scott let his head rest on his mother’s shoulder.

Alma breathed a huge sigh of relief. “Oh my God, you scared me.”

“Sorry.” Scott scrubbed his face with the backs of his hands. “I should have realized what I looked like...what you must have thought.” He wrapped his arms around his mother and hugged her tightly. “Charlie was over, Quinn was playing with the boys out back. Charlie and I talked. He thinks I should tell the boys about Tessa too. I thought maybe but now...” He gestured to the TV, the figures frozen, Tessa laying across his knee, just about halfway through their free dance program.

“Oh, Scott.”

“I thought they could watch it, and I’d tell them about her after.” Scott stared at the image of his wife and himself frozen in an embrace on the screen. “But I couldn't even watch it all the way through.” Alma reached out to rub his arm comfortingly. “I tried. You know, I’ve never watched it. Tess and I never watched this...after. We wanted to remember those feelings we had. We wanted to remember how it felt...to us. And then after...”

“You two were brilliant that night.” Scott's father walked in from the kitchen. He pushed a steaming cup of coffee into Scott's hands. “The best I've ever seen you skate.”

“Thanks.” Scott nodded. “For the coffee and the compliment.”

“Not a word of a lie, son.” Joe sipped his coffee thoughtfully. “I think the audience might have stormed the judges if they hadn't put you in first place. Pure magic.”

“We were so happy.” Scott murmured. “The medals didn't matter. We were skating for us. We did it and that was all that mattered.”

Joe broke into Scott's reverie “Son, do you mind if I give you some advice as the father of three Moir boys?”

“Of course not.”

“You need to stop living in the past. You need to be present for Andrew and Alexander. Those boys of yours, you need to be honest with them.” Joe advised, bluntly. “I know it's going to hurt like hell, but those boys deserve to know about their mother. To know they HAD a mother.”

“She loved them so much, Scott.” his mom added. “It would upset her to know that you didn't share that love with them.”

Scott sat back has if he had been slapped. “I love them.” Scott protested. “I'm there for them. My whole god damn life is for them now.”

“You need to stopping running away and deal with her death.” Joe issued. “You need to deal with what happened. That's the only way things will ever get easier.”

“I didn't run...” Scott began, then shut his mouth with an audible snap. He had. He had run away from their families, his hometown, from everything that had anything to do with her. Had it made things any easier on him? She was everywhere as long as she was in his heart. He’d been an idiot thinking moving away would stop the constant hurt.

“Mom, Dad, will you watch the boys for me? They’ll probably be up soon, they never nap for very long anymore. I need...I just need to get out. I need to go for a drive.”

Joe and Alma exchanged a look. “Take all the time you need, son. We'll watch the boys for you.”

He raced out the door, grabbing his wallet and car keys on the way. “Thanks! I love you, be back soon!”


	3. Chapter 3

The car rolled to a stop in a shady patch under a stand of trees. The leaves above the car barely rustled, before coming to a standstill. Once the car was turned off, complete silence fell over the grove, even the birds ceasing their songs.  


Scott rested his forehead on the cool leather of the steering wheel for a moment, murmuring to himself quietly. “For your boys, T. For OUR boys.”  


Letting himself out of the car, he grabbed the bouquet of flowers beside him. Slowly, he followed the walking path that wound through the well-kept grounds, before he came to the spot he hadn't been to since the day of her funeral.  


The grave marker was simple, etched with her name and the dates of her birth and death. A quote from their famous free program was carved across the top of the marker.

“I will love you until my dying day.”  


Scott sat cross legged on the grass, setting the bouquet aside next to him. Reaching out, he swept his fingers over the letters of her name, the roughness of the carved letters catching his fingertips slightly.  


“Tess. I miss you so much. I never thought I could feel pain like this.” Scott looked up to the sky and drew in a deep breath. His fingers splayed out as he pressed his palm against the stone. “Your boys are growing up so fast. They are so big. Alexander reminds me of you. He looks like you, he has your heart, intuition and compassion. He’s smart, super smart. And he has your green eyes.”  


“Andrew is my mini me.” Scott laughed, the sound of it loud in the silence. “He's going to break something before he's five, I swear to God. He’s non-stop. He’s funny and noisy. Sometimes I think Alexander wants to smack him when he gets going and it reminds me so much of you. Remember how you used to shut me down with a look? I love them both more than I ever thought I could. You knew though. You always knew. They keep me going, when I don't think I can make it through another day.”  


He paused, sitting back on his heels. “They saw our picture. They called you the pretty lady. They want to know about you.” He sat quietly for a moment, savouring the gentle breeze that caressed him.  


“I don't know where to start. You're their mother, but you are so much more than that. How can they understand? I'm sorry I took them away from home, but it was so damn hard for me to be reminded of you. It was so fresh. But I still think about you every single day. I can't believe you're not beside me, raising our boys.”  


He reached out to the grave marker once more. “I love you so much, Tess. I miss you with every breath I take. I still feel...I still feel like it should be me. You didn't deserve this fate. I hate myself every goddamn day.”  


Brushing back tears, he stood. “If you can forgive me, I'd like to come more often. Maybe bring the boys, because I’m going to tell them. I will tell them. I need to get back. Those rascals...” Scott smiled through his tears. “They'll have Mom and Dad going crazy right about now.”  


He lifted the bouquet of red roses and white carnations, mixed with sprigs of baby's breath and placed it at the front of the marker. “They're your favourites. I still remember. I love you Tess.”  


Kissing his fingers, he laid them on the marker as he looked skyward. “Love you, kiddo.”  


\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  


_“Where are we going?”_

_The words were slurred, unsteady. As his mother helped him to his feet, Scott swayed precariously, glancing up at the figures around him. “Mom?”  
_

_Alma gripped her son’s forearms tightly, steadying him as his father pulled a black suit jacket over his arms.  
_

_“We have to go out, honey, just a short drive.”  
_

_“Tell him where we’re going.” Joe hissed, between his teeth.  
_

_“He’s not well. Leave him be.” Alma fussed at Scott's hair, trying to smooth down his stubborn cowlick, as Scott blinked at them, eyes squinted slightly, trying to follow the conversation.  
_

_“He’s not an infant.” Joe adjusted Scott’s jacket and tie, before setting his hands on his shoulders. “We’re going to Tessa’s funeral.”  
_

_“Joe!”  
_

_“Funeral?” Scott looked perplexed. “Whose funeral? Not Tessa’s.” He turned slightly, a grin playing on his lips. “Tessa’s sleeping. She likes to sleep in.”  
_

_“Son. Tessa’s dead. Don’t you remember?”  
_

_“No.” Scott scoffed, then shook his head in frustration. “No! She's just tired...the boys keep...her...wait, where are the boys?” He looked around at the stark white room and the single bed in the corner wildly. “Where’s Tess?”  
_

_“Scott…listen to me.” Joe grabbed his son’s face in his hands.  
_

_“Dad...I don’t feel so good.” Charlie scooped up Scott from behind as he began to crumple to the floor, lifting him easily into the wheelchair.  
_

_Danny moved in and began checking his pulse. “Did they give him his medication this morning?”  
_

_Charlie lifted Scott’s eyelids and peered into his brothers face. “He’s really out of it.”  
_

_“I’m right here.” Scott slurred and tried to slap his brothers hands away. “Where’s Tess?”  
_

_“Maybe we should put him back in bed, let him rest.”  
_

_“I wanna see my wife...Tess...where is Tess?”  
_

_“He might not remember it, but he’ll never forgive us if we don’t take him to the funeral.” Joe said softly. “He needs to be able to say goodbye. We’ll bring him back as soon as it’s over.”  
_

_And so, they'd taken him and protected him in their collective family bubble at the church, but at the interment, the more public of the ceremonies, he sat in the wretched chair and greeted the mourners with the air of a man well used to putting on a game face in public, but with a blissful ignorance of the solemnity of the day.  
_

__\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  


Scott climbed back in the car and, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel, tried to recall the day of her funeral, but he had only been present in body, not in mind. The weeks following Tessa’s death were largely lost to him, courtesy of a doctor-prescribed drug-induced haze. The boys were left in their grandparents’ care.  


Eventually, the fog lifted. His first clear memory is of reaching across their bed, patting the sea of blankets to seek out her hand. He squinted through the bright morning light, taking in the empty rocking chair she used when feeding the twins, her robe hanging off the back. Pushing off the bed, he entered the bathroom, his senses assaulted with the scent of her...her perfumes, soaps, lotions. Stumbling down the hall, his hand on the wall to steady him and keep him upright, he peeked into the boys room.  


His father finally found him wandering the house, calling out plaintively for her. Shepherding him towards the couch, Alma and Joe had to break the news for the second time to their youngest that his wife had passed away. Scott laughed it off, asked them to stop making morbid jokes and where were Tessa and the boys please. Joe kept insisting that he was telling the truth, until Alma put her hand on his arm and pulled a dog eared newspaper page from her purse to hand to her son. Scott quickly scanned the article and crumpled it into a ball.  


Furious, shaking, tears silently streaming down his face, Scott stormed out of the room. Alma went to go after him, but Joe held her back. Slamming the door, he imploded for a brief second at the sight of her robe, shoulders hunching and his hands hiding his face, before he exploded, a keening wail escaping his lungs. He broke the mirror in the bathroom with one of her pretty perfume bottles and punched a hole in the bedroom wall. Blood streaming from his knuckles, he collapsed on the bed, clutching the pillow to his face and screamed and sobbed. Several hours later, painful numbness having set in, he descended the steps. His mother’s face haunted his memories, the way she stared at him in terror, hugging one of her grandbabies close to her chest. His father had insisted, sternly, in a voice that left no room for argument, that the boys would not be left alone there that night.  


Once the boys were fed, he left putting them to bed for his parents. A bottle of whisky in hand, he collapsed in a heap on the bathroom floor, just trying to feel. To maybe lessen the pain that was there - sharp and intense - at the thought of her. His heart throbbed dully as he pictured her smiling on their wedding day, as she cared for their babies, just her. The shards of glass from her perfume bottle mocked him. He turned one length between his fingers, admiring the way the light reflected off of it. His pulse rushed in his head, and he was struck by the sudden desire to see her again, right then, to be with her again. When they had finally figured things out between them, they had so little time left. If they’d only known. She was such a part of his life that he couldn’t imagine the rest of it without her. The shard in his hand slipped, slicing his finger deeply, when one of the babies gave out a shrill cry that pierced his heart and pulled him to his senses.  


His son literally saved his life. He examined the scar now, running his thumb across the thick ridge of skin. Touching it had become a grounding mechanism, a way to escape the memories when they threatened to overwhelm him. He had realized that night as he paced the boys bedroom, gently rocking Alexander to soothe him back to sleep, that they needed him, even if he didn’t think he was up to the challenge. He clutched his little boy tightly to his chest, ignoring the blood and the pain, and cried for his lost love. All he had left were their boys and he was going to give them all the love he could.  


The days slowly got better, the nights not so much. Alma had started to leave him alone with the boys for longer periods and Scott could see the relief on her face that everyone was still alive when she returned. Slowly, they fed him information about Tessa’s death and his condition after. They were careful to not share too much, knowing that his emotions were a powder keg and he could blow up at any minute.  


Scott sighed and started the car. Some things you just didn’t want to remember and the times after her passing were some of the hardest in his life. He drove through London, the bright sunny day at odds with his thoughts of those dark days. When he ended up at her door, he was surprised, it hadn’t been his intention to come here, but here he was.  


He knocked on the door.  


“Scott?”  


“Um...Jordan...Hi....”  


She ushered him in the house, offering coffee and exchanging only the most necessary of pleasantries before getting down to business. “Why are you here Scott?” Jordan took a sip of her tea and glared at Scott over the rim of the mug.  


“We came home for a visit. I thought that maybe the family and your mom might... like to see them.” He fidgeted in his seat, suddenly aware that his impulsiveness in this situation may have been a very bad idea.  


“After two years. After two years, you thought we might like to see them?” Jordan’s voice was like ice.  


Scott hung his head, staring at the untouched coffee cup on the table in front of him.  


“You never even told us you were moving away, Scott. We found out from your parents.” Jordan set her cup down a little too hard and Scott jumped at the sound. “We didn’t know where you were, we didn’t know where her CHILDREN were.”  


Scott cleared his throat. “I was not in the best place, Jordan. I was going through a really hard time.”  


“You? You were going through a hard time? Are you kidding me?” Jordan jumped up and circled the coffee table to stand in front of her brother in law. “She was my sister. Their daughter. You think we were having a great time here?”  


“No! No. I know losing Tessa was hard for all of us.” Scott shifted nervously in his seat once more. “I just couldn’t deal with being here, being surrounded by her.” He knew he had said exactly the wrong thing when Jordan bared her teeth to snarl at him again.  


“She was my sister, goddammit!” Jordan sat down again and stared accusingly at Scott. “We loved her too. She wasn’t just yours. The boys weren’t just yours.”  


“I never said…” Scott stammered. “I...I’m sorry.” Scott stood, ready to leave. This had been a bad idea.  


“Stop. We want to see them. Mom will want to see them.” Jordan wiped her eyes and looked up at him. “Are they like her?”  


“Andrew is like me. He’s loud and feisty. He likes to be silly and sing and dance.” He drew in a deep breath. “But Alexander is like her. He’s quiet and thoughtful, he’s a little less outgoing. He’s got those green eyes.”  


“We’ll call Alma and arrange a visit. Mom will want nothing to do with you, but I know she’d want to see her grandsons.”  


“I’m sorry Jordan. I just had to get away. I wasn’t thinking straight.” Scott tried to apologize.  


“Two years, Scott. For two years, you weren’t thinking straight?” she spit at him. “No. You were thinking about yourself. You were selfish. Those little boys don’t even know us. We were here grieving, and yet we gave you space and time to recover and instead of thanks, you ran away. Who do you think helped to care for them when you couldn’t?”  


Flinching at Jordan’s accusations, Scott ducked his head. He hadn’t known the Virtues had taken care of the boys while he was recovering as well as his parents.  


“Don’t you know how being able to hold Tessa’s boys would have helped Mom in her grief? Hasn’t it helped you in yours? Don’t you think we want to be part of their lives? Don’t you think we need a little piece of her too?”  


“Okay!” Scott exclaimed, frustrated. “I’m an asshole! I wasn’t thinking. I was out of my mind with grief and anger and who knows what else. I finally had the girl that I loved for my whole life, and then I didn’t. I didn’t have her, but I had two boys to raise. I did what I thought was best for them. Maybe it wasn’t right, but it was for them. They are all I care about.”  


“You’re wrong there.” Jordan whispered. “All you care about is yourself. Don’t use her boys as an excuse.”  


Temper building, Scott lashed out. “They are MY boys. I love them more than anyone else alive on this earth. And I will do whatever it takes to protect them.”  


“It’s your fault she’s gone, Scott. Protect them from that.” Jordan pushed Scott out onto the porch. “Get away from my house, tell Alma we’ll be in touch.”  


The front door slammed shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a tough one to get through. Now that it's here I would love to know your thoughts on it. So many thanks to Bivirtuealone for making this so much better than it was. I can't thank her enough!


	4. Chapter 4

Scott wanted to get home quickly. He pressed his foot firmly to the accelerator, urging his SUV just above the speed limit. His fingers drummed the steering wheel as his arms ached to encircle his boys and squeeze them to his body tightly, peppering their hair with kisses. He wanted to give them all the love they deserved. Most importantly, he wanted to finally tell them all he could about their mother.  


He stopped his SUV at a red light, and imagined how Jordan would have raked him over the coals if she even had an inkling that the boys knew nothing about Tessa. His throat constricted as he realized that everything he thought he was doing right for his children was, in fact, the very opposite of that. He should have told them about their mother and made Tessa a part of their lives. He should have stayed home and let the boys grow up around family. He shouldn’t have shut the Virtues out, he should have done so many things differently. He swallowed hard against the emotion and resolved to be better. A sudden loud blast from a car horn roused him from his reverie and he continued the drive home.  


“T, I apologize,” Scott spoke out loud as he drove. “I was an idiot for the things I did. I made some seriously bad decisions. I’m going to try to make things right again. I’m going home right now to tell the boys about you. It’s going to be so hard, but I know you will be there with me. I love you.”  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  


“Daddy!”  


The boys ran up to their father and hugged him around the legs, almost knocking him over, as soon as he entered the door. He pulled them close, rubbing their heads gently.  


“They’ve missed you,” Alma murmured. Scott looked to the family room doorway where his mom and dad were standing, smiling at the family reunion.  


“I’ve missed them too.” He kneeled down, pulling his children into a huge hug. “I love you two more than anything. Never forget that.”  


“We were thinking of going over to Charlie and Nic’s for dinner. The boys can’t stop talking about how much fun they had with Quinn.”  


“That sounds great,” Scott looked up, a hint of a smile on his face. “You guys have more cousins to meet there! Did I tell you Quinn has two brothers?” He stood and took his sons by their tiny hands. “There’s one thing I need to do first though. I need to show you boys something.”  


Scott pulled out the DVD he had been watching last night. He heard his mother gasp and noticed his father’s proud smile. Breathing deeply, he hoped Tessa would be proud of him too.  


After sliding the DVD into the machine, he sat on the couch and patted the cushions beside him. “Okay Andrew, Alexander. I want you to snuggle up here with me and watch this. It’s really important.” The boys climbed up and arranged themselves on either side of him.  


He pressed play.  


“Representing Canada, Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir,” resounded the voice of the television announcer.  


Andrew stared at his father on the screen in amazement. “That’s you, Daddy!”  


“The pretty lady,” Alexander whispered, his green eyes wide with wonder.  


They sat back and watched the free dance play out. Scott closed his eyes, as his body stilled in anticipation of the first notes. His fingers twitched as the gruff voice sang, instinct taking over. His thoughts wandered back to that life changing night.  


\------------------  


_“Tessa, it’s been six months. You deserve a break, and the boys will be just fine with mom and dad.”  
_

_“I’m just not ready, Scott,” Tessa gave him a pouty look. “What if they get hungry?”  
_

_“We’ve got bottles in the fridge.”  
_

_Tessa's mouth turned down. “What if they won’t sleep?”  
_

_“Honey, Mom had three of us. She knows what to do.”  
_

_“But they’re...”  
_

_“T, darling. I know…they are our kids.” Scott kissed her cheek. “If you feed them before we go, they will probably sleep all night. You know how good they are.”  
_

_“I know, I’m just...this will be our first night away from them. Our first time not putting them into their cribs. It’s so hard to just let go.”  
_

_Scott pulled her in close. “Just for dinner. It’s natural for you to feel like this. You’re a wonderful mother to our boys and you deserve a night out with your thankful and loving husband.”  
_

_He playfully dragged her by the hips out of the room, the sound of her laughter was music to his ears.  
_

\------------------  


Scott opened his eyes, coming back to the present. The boys were watching the routine silently, fascinated at seeing their father skate. The screen was a kaleidoscope, colors moving and swirling, with no order to it. His heart pounded along with the strong bass.  


As the routine shifted from the tango to the soft notes of Come What May, Scott longed to feel her twirling in his arms again.  


He could still remember the feeling of Tessa’s hand in his own. It was over twenty years worth of memories hand-in-hand on the ice. That night as he held her hand, he could feel her anxiety radiating through to his. He knew she wanted to get home to see their babies. This was the first time she had been away from them since their birth. He squeezed her hand gently, a touch that had always served to help calm and ground each other in any situation.

_He glanced at his wife sitting beside him in the car. Tessa was radiant and her smile was glowing. Scott had never been happier. He had everything he ever wanted - a successful career, a beautiful wife, two gorgeous children - his life was absolutely perfect.  
_

_Her hand floated to his shoulder, caressing it lightly. Scott turned his head and smiled at her. “See, wasn’t that nice to get out and be able to eat a full meal without carrying a baby in your arms?”  
_

_Looping his arm around her shoulder, he gave her a tight squeeze.  
_

_Tessa smiled. “It was wonderful. Thank you for convincing me.”  
_

_“And you only looked at your phone 500 times,” he teased.  
_

_“Even though I know they are safe with Alma and Joe, I just worry so much.”  
_

_“It’s okay, sweetie. I’m anxious to see them too. It’s only been a few hours and I miss them already!”  
_

_They drove in comfortable silence, hands clasped together on Tessa’s thigh, until Tessa’s phone rang loudly in her purse in the backseat.  
_

_“Damn.” Tessa let Scott’s hand slip out of her grasp as she unbuckled her seatbelt and twisted over the console.  
_

_“Leave it. If it’s about the boys, we’re almost home.”  
_

_“I’ll just check it quickly, it’s probably nothing.”  
_

_“T, honey, sit back down, please.” Scott turned his head briefly and the next thing he knew they were spinning.  
_

_Metal and rubber screeched like thunder. Glass exploded around them, cutting lacerations into his skin. The multitude of sounds combined into one awful cacophony inside his head.  
_

_Instinctively, his hands reached out for Tessa, but they came out empty.  
_

_The car was still moving, careening across the road as if it were being propelled by an unseen force, until it came suddenly to rest. His head slammed into the side of the door, and what felt like thousands of needles entered his body at once. A single horn blared mournfully.  
_

_His abdomen seared in pain as he unbuckled his seatbelt, twisting around frantically as he searched for Tessa. The passenger door hung open on one hinge, but the rest of the car was empty.  
_

_Fighting his car door, he couldn’t get it to open. Scott struggled to crawl across the seats and fell out of the wreckage onto the pavement.  
_

_Tessa lay crumpled in a pool of blood, just beyond the nose of the pickup truck that had collided with them. Scott tried to run to her, but his legs gave out. He crawled the rest of the way, his arms pulling him forward, the asphalt wearing deep scrapes into his bare skin.  
_

_“Tess! Tess!”  
_

_He gently grasped her hand and kissed her cheek. Her green eyes flew open, then fluttered slowly shut. “Hang on babe, help is coming...don’t leave me…” Scott gasped, trying to stay conscious himself. “I’m here...don’t…”  
_

_Her mouth twitched and Scott pulled her closer, wrapping his arms fully around her body, biting back a cry as he felt something crack inside his chest. Holding her body against his, he let her know he was there for her. It was worth whatever pain he had to endure.  
_

_“Don’t try to talk. It’s alright…”  
_

_“Scott…” her quaking whisper felt like a stab to his heart. He tried to wipe the blood from her face, but he had lost control of his limbs. It was all he could do to stay conscious, but Tessa needed him there. Her eyes opened once more and seemed to focus. “Love...you…” she whispered as her eyes slipped closed.  
_

_He felt her body go limp.  
_

_Tears and blood clouded his vision. “No!” he shouted. Suddenly it seemed like he was swimming underwater and everything was swirling into a vortex of noise, sounds and light. Scott collapsed onto Tessa, finally succumbing to the pain of his injuries.  
_

The routine ended with triumphant booming major chords. It felt out of place with his heart, blaring mournfully for his lost love. I will love you until my dying day Tessa Virtue, he thought as the boys cheered the end of the dance along with the crowd.  


He pressed the pause button, freezing a beautiful close up of Tessa, mouth open wide in a brilliant smile.  


He pulled the boys close to his body. “Andrew, Alexander, she’s…” Scott’s voice caught in his throat. “She’s your mama.”  


He looked down at their astonished faces. Alexander slid out of his grasp and stood in front of the TV, his little fingers brushing over Tessa’s cheek. “Mama?”  


Scott felt fresh tears welling in his eyes. He knew this would be hard. He didn’t realize it would be this heart wrenching. “Yes, honey, she’s your mama.”  


“Where is she?” Andrew looked perplexed, as he looked up at Scott and back to the TV screen. “Where is mama?”  


Alexander had returned to his side, tears falling down his little cheeks. “I want mama!”  


He brushed away the tears from Alexander’s cheeks, fingers faltering slightly as he remembered doing the same to tears that had fallen from Tessa’s startling green eyes, so similar to the ones their son had been blessed with.  


“Boys. You need to know, your mama loved you so very much. She loved you both more than anything else in this world.” Scott hesitated for a moment. “She was a very special lady.”  


Both boys crawled onto his lap and clung to him, staring up silently, wanting to hear more.  


“Your mama...she...we...” Scott stopped and cleared his throat. “There was an accident. Mama and I were hurt very badly.”  


“Why weren’t we hurt?” Andrew asked.  


“You were at home sleeping with Grandma and Grandpa.”  


“Why not with you?” Alexander questioned.  


“Ah, sweetie. Your mama and I wanted to go out and let you two sleep. We were on our way home and we were so excited to get back to you. We missed you so very much, even though we were gone for just a short time. Then we were in a bad accident. We were taken to the hospital. Mama, she...she was just hurt too badly and she...passed away.”  


“What’s passed away?” they asked in unison.  


“She...oh my God...she died. She was badly hurt and she died.” Scott felt like a knife had been stabbed in his heart as he uttered the words.  


“Why didn’t you die?”  


Scott eyes looked to the ceiling for answers. This was a question he had asked himself almost every day since the accident. Why didn’t he die too? Why did God or fate or whoever think he could go on without her?  


“Because...because I needed to be here for you.” Scott answered confidently. “Mama didn’t want to leave you. Mama loved you both with all her heart.”  


Alma stepped over to the couch, carrying two bundles in her arms. “She did boys, she loved you so much.” She handed each boy a pillow. “I made these out of the robe she wore whenever she hugged you close and sang you songs so you’d fall asleep. You can take these to bed and snuggle them and a little part of your mama will be with you always.”  


Scott looked up at him mother in amazement. “I didn’t know you did that?”  


“When you moved and we cleaned the house up, I kept some of her things aside for the boys. I knew you would tell them someday.”  


“Thank you.” Scott couldn’t raise his voice over a whisper. “Thank you so much.”  


The boy hugged their pillows tightly and snuggled close to their father.  


“Mama not coming back?” Andrew asked quietly.  


Scott’s breath hitched in his chest. “No honey, she can’t come back. But Mama is looking down from heaven and watching you all the time.”  


“Like Santa?” Alexander asked excitedly.  


Scott swiped at his eyes again and laughed. “Kind of. Yes, just like Santa!”  


“Will she bring us presents too?”  


“No baby, but she will be able to tell Santa everything you like, how does that sound?”  


The boys nodded, climbing off of Scott’s lap. On the floor, they happily babbled to each other in their twin language, examining their new pillows closely, while Scott heaved out a huge sigh. “That was so hard. I’m drained.”  


“That was perfect, son.” Joe clapped his hand on Scott’s shoulder. “I’m very proud of you.”  


“I have photos for the boys too. They can put them in their room while they’re here and then take them home when you leave. They can see her whenever they want.”  


Scott reached out to his mother. “Thank you so much, I love you both, thank you for understanding. I might need a minute now.”  


His parents nodded, sitting on the couch to watch the boys, as he went into the kitchen. The lyrics of Come What May continued to reverberate through his mind as he prepared the kettle for a mug of tea.  


He was haunted by the fact he couldn’t recall anything past that final moment of Tessa’s life. He had been told much later that his doctors were flabbergasted to learn Scott, with his severe injuries, was somehow able to get from the car to Tessa’s side nearly fifty feet away.  


He gripped the mug in his hands tightly, the heat burning his palms, as he remembered how he was told that at the same time as Tessa had taken her last breath in the operating room, Scott had been defibrillated in the next room over as surgeons struggled to close a gaping wound in his chest. When he had woken, Scott was alert enough to ask to say goodbye to her, and they brought her lifeless body to him so he could hold her hand across the gurneys as he cried endless tears.  


His brain retained none of this, he couldn’t even remember if he had the chance to tell his wife he loved her before she passed, and that bothered him more than anything. He had spent many hours wondering about her last moments - if she knew he was there, if she was in pain, if she knew how much he loved her.  


_I love you, come what may._  


He bowed his head over his tea as he cried for his broken heart, for Tessa’s life taken too soon and for their boys. Their two precious sons would never know what an incredible mother they had.


	5. Chapter 5

After much chasing and wrestling, Scott finally had wrangled his sons into their SUV and was following his parents on the short drive to Charlie and Nicole’s house. The boys were excited to meet more of their cousins and Scott felt the shame of keeping them away from family for so long creeping back. He tried to push it away and instead focused on listening to the boys babbling happily to each other in the back seat.

“Quinn has brother?” Andrew piped up from the back seat.

Scott peeked in the rearview mirror and grinned. “Two, one for each of you.”

“Are they twins?” Alexander questioned.

“No, honey. You two and Grandma and Auntie Carol are the only twins in this family.”

“Why?”

“Well.” Scott pondered, honestly not sure how to answer. He had read all the books when they had found out Tessa was having twins, but it all seemed so technical for a two and half year old. “Because you are special. One baby was good, but God decided Mama and I needed two babies and he gave us you two.”

“You want two babies?” Alexander again.

“Honey, Mama and I wanted whatever God decided we needed. He decided we needed two babies.” Scott stopped at a red light and stole a look back at his sons. “I am so thankful He picked you and Andrew for us. I don’t know what I would do without you. I love you so much.”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nicole was waiting with a beaming smile to greet everyone at the front door. She wrapped her arms around Scott and quietly murmured in his ear how much everyone had missed him. “Charlie is so happy you’re home, sweetie.” Bending down, she reached her arms out to the boys. “This must be Andrew and Alexander! Quinn has told me all about you!”

The boys stared at Nicole and shyly tucked themselves behind Scott, peeking out around his legs.

“Boys, this is your Aunt Nicole. Come out and say hello.”

“Scott!” Charlie yelled out as he entered the front foyer. At the sight of their uncle, the boys came out of hiding.

“Unca Charlie!”

“Hey boys! Why don’t you see if you can find Quinn? She’ll introduce you to Shea and Cruz.” The boys took off running in search of their cousins, all shyness forgotten.

Charlie hugged Scott tightly as they greeted each other. 

“You just saw me this afternoon.” Scott laughed, recalling Nicole’s words.

“So? You haven’t been around for two years. I missed you, ya big lug.”

The brothers walked into the kitchen and Charlie pulled two bottles of beer from the fridge, handing one to Scott. They nodded and clinked the bottles together. “So, how did the afternoon go?”

“I went to talk to Tess. I just sat in the cemetery for an hour and unloaded. It felt good to talk to her and tell her how things have been.” Scott explained. “Just to finally release all that felt very freeing. Then I went and talked to Jordan.”

“Jordan!” Charlie exclaimed. “And you’re still alive? She hates the ground you walk on.”

“Yeah.” Scott chuckled ruefully. “I got that feeling.”

Charlie took another bottle from the fridge and gestured to the living room. “We forgot Pops. Let’s take this someplace comfortable.”

The Moir women bustled around the kitchen looking after the final preparations for dinner, while the men settled in the living room. Charlie jumped up now and again to offer to help, but Nicole shooed him away, insisting he stay with his brother and father and visit. 

“So you went to see Jordan? I bet she was really happy to see you.” Charlie snorted in disgust. “Bitch told me she wished you had died instead of Tessa.”

Scott’s mouth dropped open in shock. “Just because I took the boys away?”

“Son. You forget. They lost a daughter, a sister. The boys were all they had left of her.” Joe spoke quietly. “They cared for them quite a bit when you were recovering and then you just left.”

“She was my wife.” Scott protested. “I was...I was…”

“You were confused.” Joe interjected. “You were grieving, and upset and recovering from your own injuries and had two boys to raise.” 

“You did what you thought was best.” Charlie added. “It was stupid, leaving the support of all of us here. We know you were trying to do the right thing, but you weren’t ready, you weren’t healthy enough. I can’t say it was right to not tell the boys about Tessa, that was a bonehead move.”

“So everyone hates me, is that it?” Scott angrily thumped his beer bottle on the table and stood. “Maybe we should just go back now? The boys have been missing their friends, we can be gone in the morning.”

“Sit down you jackass, before Mom hears you.” Charlie pulled at Scott’s hand, yanking him back down to the sofa. 

“We don’t hate you, son.” Joe tried to assure him. “We just want you to see how your decisions affected others.”

The room was silent for a moment.

“I was there.” Charlie finally broke the silence. 

“What are you talking about?” Scott spit out, his anger still bubbling on the surface. 

“I was one of the first responders.”

Scott stared at his brother in disbelief. Why was that horrible night attacking him time after time today? 

“Oh my God, Charlie, why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“How could I tell you? We thought we...that we were gonna lose you. Then you were so messed up after…”

“I’m so sorry.” He reached out to Charlie, placing his hand lightly on his brother’s shoulder.

“I got there and saw a car literally wrapped around a tree. I ran right over to you. I didn’t know it was you and Tessa, of course. I just saw two people that needed help. Then I rolled you off her...I lost it. You were so..I thought you were dead. Tessa…” Charlie stopped and choked back his sobs. “I didn’t know if the boys were in the car. We figured you and Tessa had been ejected, so the boys…” Charlie’s voice caught and he stopped to swipe at his eyes. “The asshole that hit you was shitfaced. Just another angry drunk that blew a red light on his way to another bar. He didn’t give two shits he’d just hit two people. He had a few bruises, he was fine. I started yelling and swearing. I went after him, I got a few punches in before the guys pulled me off him. They put me in the ambulance with you. I would have killed him, Scott, I swear to God, if they’d left me, I would have killed him.” 

“Charlie, I…”

“I was with you when you flatlined - did anyone tell you that? You suffered cardiac arrest in the ambulance and I was there and I couldn’t do anything but watch as my friends tried to keep my brother alive. Then I had to sit with mom and dad at the hospital while we waited. Danny was calling from the airport every 10 minutes for updates. Then they told us about Tess and that you had to be defibbed...again…”

Scott rubbed his hands over his face. “I...Jesus...Charlie. I had no idea. I’m so, so sorry.”

“The very worst was after. Knowing that Tessa was dead and you had no idea. They kept you drugged up for the pain and we had to just humour you because the doctors thought...they thought you might kill yourself if you knew the truth.”

Scott saw the flash of the piece of mirror in his mind. He remembered waiting for the feeling of it to cut into his skin, to bleed out and to reunite with his love.

“What I’m trying to tell you, little brother is this. We all have our demons.” Charlie grasped his hands. “Yours is Tess and the accident, mine is watching you die right in front of me and being powerless to help you.”

Scott felt the tears running down his face, mirroring the ones tracking down Charlie’s face. “We can’t just give up though. Those memories will never go away and there is nowhere I can go to make them leave. They are always there, every time I look at you.”

Scott pulled Charlie to his feet and enveloped him in a huge bear hug. “Thank you Charlie. I’m sorry you had to witness what you did. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Thank you for helping me understand.”

Charlie kissed Scott’s cheek. “I’m just glad you’re alive little brother. You’re a pain in the ass, but you’re our pain in the ass and we love you just the way you are.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Scott sat at the dinner table smiling at his sons as they interacted with their cousins. They were getting along so well that he felt those small pangs of guilt again. How could he have, as their father, denied them this pleasure for so long? 

“We should have a Moir boys day.” Charlie interrupted his thoughts with an elbow to his side.

“A what now?”

“When Danny gets home, we should all go out for the day. A Moir men day, no girls allowed.”

“Why don’t you go to the cottage?” Nicole suggested. “Take the day to explore, show the boys how to fish, go swimming.”

“I think Andrew and Alexander would love that.” Scott admitted. “They could get to know Mason and Danny easily that way.”

“Just wait until they have Charlotte and Quinn together.” Charlie laughed. “Your boys have no idea what they are in for!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Scott sat in the rocking chair that his mother had sat in with all of her children, the bed his sons were sleeping in bathed in moonlight . They had been exhausted when they got back to his parents house. The day of play, first Quinn, and then all three of Charlie’s children had worn them right out and neither of them argued once about going to bed. They both curled up together, each clutching their “mama” pillows and were asleep before Scott finished the first page of their storybook. 

He watched them sleep, in awe of how these two beautiful children belonged to him.  
He could remember so clearly the day they found out they were having two babies. Tessa was so happy. People always say pregnant women glow, but Tessa truly did. To him, she had never been more beautiful. He recalled how scared she was that something was wrong because she was so big so fast.

_“What do we have here?” The obstetrician leaned in close to the screen, guiding the ultrasound technician with small movements of her hands. “Oh, this is new!”_

_“What?” Tessa craned her neck to see the images. “Is something wrong with my baby?”_

_Scott, who could see the screen clearly, simply stared with his mouth hanging open._

_“Scott!” Tessa cried. “What’s happening?”_

_“Nothing is wrong my dear.” The doctor assured her as she adjusted the screen for Tessa to see for herself. “This explains an awful lot of your accelerated symptoms.”_

_“Is that...are there...” Tessa squinted at the screen._

_“Twins.” Scott finally turned to look at his wife, shock clearly written on his face. “We're having twins.”_

_Tessa grabbed her husband's hands and they both stared at the screen to watch their babies small squirming movements._

_“They're hugging!” Tessa cooed. “Scott, honey, can you see this?”_

_“Twins.” Scott repeated. “Oh my God.”_

_“Everything looks just perfect, all the parts are there, heartbeats are good, including that of our surprise guest.” the doctor pronounced. “It’s no wonder you popped so early with those two healthy babes in there. I'll give you a few moments to get yourself together then we can talk more.” She walked out of the exam room, the door shutting with a click behind her._

_“Everything is going to be fine.” Tessa rubbed the gel from her protruding tummy with a small towel. “Your mom is a twin, stop looking so shocked that we are…”_

_“Twins, T. We were having A baby. As in one. Now we're having two.” Scott ran his hands through his shaggy hair. “Two.”_

_“So?” Tessa giggled as she pulled her jeans back on. “We're just going to have that perfect little family of four sooner than we thought.”_

_Scott helped Tessa off the exam table and pulled her close. “You know how nervous I am about this whole thing. I don't think I can do this, T.”_

_“We can't send them back. We're stuck with them. You are amazing with children. All your nieces and nephews love you to pieces. Poppy adores you.” Tessa smiled as she wrapped her arms around her husbands neck. “You are going to be the best father ever. These babies are going to be so lucky.”_

_Scott buried his face in her neck, nuzzling her gently as he planted tender kisses on her jawline. “Thank you for believing in me, thank you for trusting that I can be a good father to your children.”_

_“Scott.” Tessa lifted his head up and stared into his eyes. “I didn’t do this by myself.”_

_“Our children. Our family.”_

“How am I doing, T?” Scott stared out the window to the broad expanse of the backyard, the arena where he first met Tessa sitting in the distance. “I’m trying my best to raise our children the way you wanted.”

“I’ve been so selfish. Jordan was right. I was only thinking of myself when I moved the boys away from here. I never gave a thought to your family...or mine.”

One of the boys made a small sound and Scott held his breath until they settled again. 

“I’m going to try and make it right with your mom. It might take a while, but it will be worth it. Our sons need the love of both their Grandmas.” He stood, putting the book back on the shelf and leaning over to tuck the boys in securely. “I might need your help with that one. T. I still need you so much.”

“Daddy, who you talking to?” Alexander stared up at him, his eyes bleary with sleep.

Scott leaned over further and kissed his forehead. “Just your mama, sweetheart.”

“She not here.” Alexander’s mouth turned down, tears threatening to fall. He lifted his arms and Scott pulled him out of bed and held him tightly.

“No, she’s not. But it makes me feel better to talk to her and tell her about you and your brother.”

Alexander’s head flopped onto Scott’s shoulder and he yawned noisily. “She hear you?”

“I hope so, buddy boy. I really hope so.”

Scott paced the room until he heard the light snores and his son’s body had completely relaxed into him. He gently laid him down again, rubbing his back in slow circles before pulling the covers over him once more.

“Daddy?”

Scott groaned inwardly and bent down. “You need your sleep, honey.” He noticed Alexander’s eyes were still shut. Was he talking in his sleep?

“Mama loves us. Mama loves you.”


	6. Chapter 6

The morning was unusually quiet for a house where two small boys were currently residing. Scott pushed his blankets back and cocked an ear for any noise from their bedroom. As he walked through the silent, empty house Scott grew more confused. He slowly realized that he had slept in, that it was much later than he had thought when he woke, but absolutely no one answered his calls. Making his way to the main floor, he smiled when he found the note that his mother had left propped up on the dining room table. 

_I don’t know why this surprises me but, your children are crazy, typical Moirs. They woke up and hit the floor running. Hope you don’t mind, we took them over to Charlie’s for some play time. All they could talk about was their cousins. You’ve had a rough couple of days. Thought you might need some time to yourself._

_Love you,_  
_Mom_

After his emotional day yesterday, Scott wanted to just hang out with his boys today and shower them with love. He had thought about maybe taking them to Tessa’s grave to put some flowers down and then visiting the Children's Museum for some playtime, but some solitude wasn’t necessarily a bad thing either. 

He made himself a leisurely breakfast, a task he hadn’t been able to accomplish for the past two years and sat on the back deck as he ate, basking in the warm sun. He pulled out his phone while he sipped his coffee, responding to a few emails and sending some messages. After washing his dishes, he made the boys bed and tidied the room up. His breath caught in his throat when he saw the pillows that his mom had made for the boys lying on the bed. He sat down heavily, picking one up and holding it to his face, inhaling deeply. Her scent was gone from the fabric, naturally, but it didn’t stop his tears from falling.

_“You’re such a good mama.”_

_Tessa smiled at him from the rocking chair. Scott lay on the bed, holding Andrew in his arms, while Tessa fed Alexander. She looked so beautiful, sitting there.dressed in the soft pink fleece robe that he had bought for her to wear during the pregnancy. Her bump got so large so quickly that nothing fit properly and most fabrics irritated her skin as the pregnancy progressed. The robe quickly became her favorite to change into at home to relax and it was perfect for feeding the boys._

_“These two make it easy, they’re so good.”_

_Scott looked on as she unlatched the sleeping Alexander from her breast and gestured for Andrew. They switched babies and Andrew eagerly began feeding before Scott had the chance to leave the room to put Alexander in his crib. Returning, he stood in the doorway for a few minutes, just watching his wife stroke their sons cheek as he snuggled into her. She bent her head forward and cooed into his ear as he ate. Her head bobbed forward and back slightly, Scott could tell she was getting sleepy and wished he could do more to help with the babies. When he saw Tessa’s head fall back suddenly, he entered the room, striding quickly to her rocking chair and massaged her shoulders gently as to not disturb Andrew._

_“Sweetie, you need to get some rest.”_

_Tessa tipped her head so it rested on Scott’s warm hand. “I will. I promise I’m going to bed as soon as this little man is full.”_

_“I don’t know how you do it,” he told her, leaning to kiss her neck. “You gave our boys life, you nurture them...you are an amazing woman.”_

_“I couldn’t do it without you.”_

Somehow he ended up downstairs in the living room, looking at his mother's photo albums and finding memories that had him in tears and thanking the heavens that no one else was home. There was Tessa on their wedding day, looking so beautiful, showing off a small baby bump in her simple, white dress as she walked down the aisle. There was Tessa surrounded by gifts at her family baby shower. There they both were, proudly holding their newborn sons, smiling, as usual, at each other and not the camera. Each photo a moment in time that he held dear to his heart and tried to hold in his memory for as long as he could.

“Daddy!” The boys ran in the house excitedly, ice cream drips on their shirts and chocolate on their faces.

“Unca Charlie is a fireman!”

“Unca Danny is a fireman too!”

They crashed into his legs, staring up at him, their eyes wide with excitement or sugar overload, Scott couldn’t be sure.

“Did I forget to tell you my brothers were firemen?” he chuckled as he scooped them up for hugs.

“Unca Charlie said we can ride the firetruck!” Green eyes gleaming with delight, Alexander gave his father a sticky kiss on the cheek. “Can we really?”

“If Charlie said you can, you can,” Scott assured them. “I’ll call him and find out when okay?” He turned to his parents who were entering the house carrying bags of groceries

“Thanks for taking them out, I did need a little space. I’m sure they loved it.”

“They were wonderful little men, weren’t you boys?” Alma teased. “I only had to bribe them with ice cream once.”

“Chocolate!” Andrew confirmed as if Scott couldn’t already tell.

“Chocolate?” Scott questioned. “You two hate chocolate!” he joked, knowing full well that both boys had their mothers love of chocolate and sweets. The boys dissolved into giggles as Scott continued to tease them. “Okay you two, can you go get me a book each? We’ll have storytime and try for a nap.”

The boys scurried up the stairs, racing to beat each other to the top. Scott laughed and took the grocery bags from his mom, following her to the kitchen. “Thanks again for taking them out for the day. It was nice to relax. Eat by myself,” he joked.

“Anytime hon, those boys are precious.” Alma pushed a bag of flour at Scott and gestured to a shelf in the cupboard. “Can you dump that into that container while I grab the phone?”

“They really enjoyed spending time with their cousins,” Joe announced from the kitchen table, hidden behind a newspaper. “They’re not too old that they act shy with them.”

“Dad.” Scott finished pouring the flour in the canister, coughing as it flew up around him. He moved toward his father's chair and sat beside him. “I’ve realized a lot of things between today and yesterday. I know I did the wrong thing moving away and taking Andrew and Alexander from the families.”

“That was Kate on the phone.” Alma looked stricken. “She wants to see the boys. Scott, how did she know you were here?”

Scott sighed. “I went to Tessa’s grave and spent some time talking to her yesterday. Then somehow I ended up at Jordan’s. She wasn’t very happy to see me.” Scott added ruefully.

“They hate you, Scott.”

“I know,“ he sighed sadly as he hung his head.

Alma stood behind Joe and twisted her wedding rings nervously. “What should we do?”

“What did you tell her?” Scott reached for his mom's hand and gestured for her to sit.

“I said I would need to talk to you first. They are your children.”

Scott took a deep breath. “Go ahead and call her back, tell her tomorrow morning would work. I need to pick up Danny in the afternoon and I want the boys with me to meet him and the family.”

Alma and Joe exchanged looks. “Do you realize how much she dislikes you?”

“I talked to Jordan, and if Kate feels even half as angry as her, I have a pretty good idea.”

Scott sat for a moment, listening to hear if the boys were on their way downstairs. “I want to move back,” he stated plainly. “I never should have left and taken them away.”

“That’s wonderful honey, you know we would love to have you back home, but why?”

“I just...I realized that taking them away didn’t solve anything. Tessa is always with me, it doesn’t matter where I go. It was wrong to pull the boys away from family just to try and ease my mind.” He stood as the boys ran, giggling into the kitchen, each holding a handful of books aloft. “My boys need to be surrounded by people that love them and that will happen here.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Good morning, Alma, ” Kate nodded her head, offering Alma a small hug while Jordan stood stiffly at the door, waiting to be invited into the living room. 

“Please, come in.” Alma ushered them in, standing off to the side as Joe greeted them warmly.

“We’re here to see my grandchildren.” Kate noted.

“OUR grandchildren are just finishing getting dressed with their father,” Joe smiled brightly. “He’ll be right down with them.”

“We have no interest in seeing... _him_. We just want to see the boys.”

“Of course.” Joe showed them into the living room. “You will have to discuss that with Scott. He is their father, after all.”

After a few moments, the boys came tearing down the stairs, crashing into each other as they stopped suddenly at the sight of Kate and Jordan. Scott followed behind them and they tucked themselves behind his legs, nervous about the newcomers.

“Andrew and Alexander, this is your grandma Kate and Aunt Jordan.”

The boys stayed firmly behind Scott. Andrew tugged on Scott’s hand and pointed to Alma. “That’s grandma, daddy.”

“Boys, you are lucky enough to have two grandmas. Grandma Alma is my mom and this is your Mama’s mother and sister. They both love you very much.” Scott continued, making sure he was making direct eye contact with Tessa’s mother. “They looked after you a lot when I was hurt and in the hospital. I could never thank them enough for the love and care they gave you.”

Kate and Jordan exchanged surprised glances.

“Don’t try and butter us up now, Scott. It’s not going to change anything,” Jordan hissed.

“My boys don’t need any of your toxic energy,” Scott whispered through his smile, a technique he and Tessa had perfected on the ice. “Play nice. I am.”

Andrew and Alexander followed Scott as he sat down on the sofa, staying right by his side. Kate and Jordan took their places on a loveseat opposite the sofa and sat stiffly, not sure what Scott had planned.

“How has your health been?” Kate asked, as she stared around the room, clearly not caring but wanting to get a conversation underway.

“I’ve been fine, thank you for asking,” Scott told her as he gently nudged Alexander closer to the Virtues. “Everything healed just fine. I have to work on the mental side of it now.”

Jordan snorted and Scott gave her a vicious side-eye glance.

“As you know, it’s been very difficult dealing with her loss,” Scott explained, simply. “I have been mentally strained as well as physically through this.

Alexander was the braver of the two boys. He took finally took three steps forward and placed his tiny hand on Jordan’s knee. “Mama?” he called out softly, a slight quiver to his voice. “Mama?”

Jordan’s mouth dropped open, Alma gasped loudly and Scott felt himself stop breathing. Alexander thought Jordan was Tessa. He hadn’t prepared for that. Damn it! He should have known better. Fat tears were welling up on Alexander’s cheeks and Scott knew it was only a matter of time before he started wailing.

“Come here, darling.” Jordan scooped the surprised child onto her lap. “I’m Auntie Jordan. I was...I am...your mama’s sister.”

Scott watched as Alexander studied Jordan’s face and turned to observe Kate. The tears slid down his cheeks, but the urge to cry out loud seemed to have dissipated.

“My heaven’s, you look so much like Tessie.” Kate looked over to Scott. “Which one is this?”

“Alexander,” Scott said softly. “That’s Alexander Joseph.”

“You even have her eyes,” Kate sobbed. “Jordan, look at his green eyes.”

“Alexander is the one I told you is like Tess,” Scott told Jordan.

Andrew looked between his father and his newly discovered grandma, who were either crying (Kate) or about to cry (Scott). “Daddy” he tapped Scott’s knee impatiently and pointed to Jordan. “Not mama?”

Kate looked down at Andrew and then Scott. “Is it okay if I pick him up?”

Scott nodded his assent with a small smile. "Of course, he's your grandson."

“Hi, Andrew. I’m your Grandma Kate.” she settled the small boy on her lap and smiled down at him.

“Not mama,” Andrew frowned, pointing at Jordan.

“No sweetie, your mama is her sister, that’s why she looks like her.”

“I miss mama,” Alexander whispered quietly.

“Oh!” Jordan cried out and hugged him tightly. “We all do, sweetie, we all miss your mama very much.”

“Would you like to hang out with the boys for a while?” Scott asked, breaking the tension hanging in the air. “We can stay down here while they show you around.”

Kate looked over to Jordan, who was still smiling down at Alexander with tears dancing in her eyes. “What do you think dear?”

“Oh mom, I’ve missed these two so much. Do you mind if we stay?”

Alexander wriggled off Jordan’s lap and tugged at her hand. “Wanna see our toys?”

Jordan nodded happily and followed Alexander to the stairs. Kate had no choice but to join her, as Andrew grabbed her hands and pulled her up.

“I’ll make some coffee ” Scott called up the stairs. “Take your time.”

  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  


Andrew and Alexander eagerly pulled out their toys and books to show their newfound family.

Kate and Jordan marveled over how much Alexander behaved like Tessa - quiet and attentive and Andrew was quite obviously much like his father loud and boisterous and wanting their attention at every turn. They showed them the photos of Tessa that Alma had given them to put on the dresser and their “mama pillows”. Kate’s eyes welled up at the sight of the familiar fabric. She ran her hand across one of the pillows lightly, closing her eyes and recalling a vision of her youngest child sitting comfortably in her favored fleece housecoat, feet up, with her babies snuggled to her chest.

“It was very nice of your Grandma Alma to make these for you. I think I might have some toys that belonged to your mama at home.” Kate told the boys. “Maybe your dad will bring you over for a visit.”

“Mama toys?” Alexander questioned. “I like Teddy Bears.”

Jordan laughed. “So did your mama! She had a lot of Teddy Bears. What do you like Andrew?”

“Cars!” Andrew exclaimed. “Fire Trucks!”

“Well, “ Kate mused. “I don’t think Tess had any fire trucks, but we can look, how would that be?”

In response, both boys leaped up to give Kate and Jordan hugs and kisses. At that moment Scott walked in, grinning at the sight of the boys and their grandma and aunt getting along so well. He looked up and silently thanked Tessa, knowing that she had a hand in getting her mom and sister to the house and interacting with the boys.

“You got the hugs and kisses seal of approval, I see,” he chuckled.

“Scott, would you be willing to bring the boys over to the house for a visit sometime?” Kate asked. “I have some toys that belonged to Tessa they might like and I can show them more photos of her.”

“They would love that,” Scott answered honestly. “I would love that.” He held his arms out, waiting hopefully for Kate or Jordan to accept his gesture of goodwill. Kate hesitantly stepped forward and into his embrace. Scott hugged her tightly. “I’m so sorry, Kate. I never meant to disregard your feelings. I know losing Tess has been tremendously difficult for all of us.”

“I just wish you had talked to us.” Kate pulled back and held Scott’s face in her hands. “You were never just my son in law, you’ve always been like a son to me.”

Jordan silently watched the exchange between her mother and brother in law, with a small smile on her face. Grabbing a couple of toys and books, she gestured for the boys to follow her out of the room and down the stairs to give them some privacy.

“I didn’t know until I came home that you and the family helped with the boys when I was in the hospital. I had no idea.”

“You were badly injured, Scott, we almost lost you too.” Kate explained. “Joe and Alma were beside themselves with worry and grief. We were grieving too, but those babies gave us something to wake up for each day.”

“I was just trying to look after the boys the best I knew how. I never meant to hurt you or anyone else. I was lost without her.” Scott cried. “I still am.”

Kate gently wiped Scott’s tears away.

“Perhaps the Virtue family reacted too strongly. We could have reached out to you. Alma and Joe made sure we knew where you were.”

Scott wrapped his arms around Kate tightly. “I miss her so much. I miss her every moment of every day.”

“We do too, honey, we do too.” Kate patted his back reassuringly. “Welcome back.”

**Author's Note:**

> First, I apologize to those who might have had this bookmarked or had commented on this story. I wasn't really happy with it, and I knew there was more I could do with it. I found an absolutely fabulous beta reader who has helped me look at the story in a new way and has added immensely to it. Thank you so much for all the help and encouragement. Your help is so greatly appreciated! Thank you to those that read and hopefully will read again. Thank you to any new readers. I appreciate all of you and would love to hear your thoughts!


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